i don't wan other pretty face

2008-08-17T00:38:00.002+08:00

"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."

These are the words that really inspire me, when i think of giving up, i wont want to give up, cause you are the reason for me holding on for so long. seriously.

2008-08-16T20:18:00.005+08:00

消失得太快. Long time since I update, touch this blog. Be it fortunate or unfortunate events, meaningful or meaningless activities, all have come to an absolute end. I just don’t think the first half of the year were the days for me, they were just misery.

POL-ITE games weren’t the competition I am satisfied with. Though given most of the opportunities to shine, this competition can be deemed as the most one in my RP life, my volleyball career. Much was expected, yet I wasn’t able to prove my worth, be it 10 cents worth. Disappointment speaks, and the results show. Being last in POL-ITE weren’t what I wanted, nobody wanted, and I have only myself to blame. Yes, people did tell me its ok, it’s because of my injuries that I wasn’t able to perform, and we can make a comeback during IVP. Jersey no.11, Tengyi, is no longer the one, the one to make the difference, the one who possess high egoistic, the one to show great aggression, the one to help the team scores points. I can’t do it anymore. Where is the motivation and passion when I need it the most?

我其实都知道　我只是想炫耀
我永远做不到　我永远赢不了
我永远做不到　我永远赢不了　永远都赢不了

I laugh at myself, how much time do I really have left? 5 months. Can I really do something to change the situation? Will I be the one? How much does you people understand how I feel?

Don’t call me a pussy? I don’t like it. Please understand the scenario I am in, neither do I want this to happen either. I am just afraid; it doesn’t seem easy as you all deem. I am scared. 有誰能比我知道?

就是开不了口让她知道
我一定会呵护著你
也逗你笑
整颗心悬在半空
我只能够远远看著
这些我都做得到
但那个人已经不是我

就是开不了口让她知道
就是那么简单几句
我办不到
整颗心悬在半空
我只能够远远看著
这些我都做得到
但那个人已经不是我

I don't want to give up, cause you're impossible to find. Understand?

people come, people go.
there is time for joy and happiness, there is time for saddness.
but why cant i ask for more happiness and joy?

2008-05-19T13:26:00.003+08:00

what does my name, loetengyi, means?

You are relaxed, chill, and very likely to go with the flow.
You are light hearted and accepting. You don't get worked up easily.
Well adjusted and incredibly happy, many people wonder what your secret to life is.

You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life.
You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you.
At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.
You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.
At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life.
You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home.
You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble.

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

You are deeply philosophical and thoughtful. You tend to analyze every aspect of your life.
You are intuitive, brilliant, and quite introverted. You value your time alone.
Often times, you are grumpy with other people. You don't appreciate them trying to interfere in your affairs.

You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in.
You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising.
You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care.

You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.
You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.
You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

seems true? maybe just a little part

2008-05-10T17:12:00.004+08:00

wow. damn stress out. next few weeks will still be the same.

driving. UTs. volleyball, change of new coach, u19, trainings. fyp.
i am just so tired of everything.

2008-05-02T15:13:00.002+08:00

I fall asleep by the telephone.
It's two o'clock and I'm waiting up alone.
Tell me, where have you been?
I found a note with another name.
You blow a kiss but it just don't feel the same.
Cauz I can feel that you're gone.

I can't bite my tongue forever,
while you try to play it cool.
You can hide behind your stories,
but don't take me for a fool!

You can tell me that there's nobody else (but I feel it!)
You can tell me that you're home by yourself (but I see it!)
You can look into my eyes and pretend all you want,
but I know, I know
Your love is just a lie! (Lie! Lie!)
It's nothing but a lie! (Lie! Lie!)

You look so innocent,
But the guilt in your voice gives you away.
Yeah, you know what I mean (know what I mean)
How does it feel when you kiss when you know that I trust you
And do you think about me when he fucks you?
Could you be more obscene? (be more obscene)

So don't try to say you're sorry,
or try to make it right.
And don't waste your breath
because it's too late, it's too late!

You can tell me that there's nobody else (but I feel it!)
You can tell me that you're home by yourself (but I see it!)
You can look into my eyes and pretend all you want,
but I know, I know
Your love is just a lie! (Lie!) Lie! (Lie!)
It's nothing but a lie! (Lie!) Lie! (Lie!)
You're nothing but a lie!

You can tell me that there's nobody else (but I feel it!)
You can tell me that you're home by yourself (but I see it!)
You can look into my eyes and pretend all you want,
but I know, I know
Your love is just a lie!
I know, you're nothing but a lie! (Lie!) Lie! (Lie!)
You're nothing but a lie! (Lie!) Lie! (Lie!)
Your love is just a lie!

but my love is aint a lie.

2008-04-30T23:38:00.003+08:00

Love hurts. It really does.

Feel so tired, so weak, especially this month, even though I spent most of the time at home, I just happen to have this kind of very hectic feeling, like there are a lot of things waiting for me to get going and get done with. Really makes me moodless, even find it difficult to concentrate at times. Tons of things happen, be them be bearable incidents or unbearable incidents, they don’t seem to make my days happy. Stress, moody, hot-tempered are just some feelings to express myself, my weeks, my days.

Should I give up or I should I keep on chasing? I am just a nobody to her. Why should I even scoop so low? All I want is just to talk to you like a normal friend, like everybody did, like once I did. But how you treat me? It’s even worse than pouring icy cold water over me. I never want to give up on you, why? Just simply because I like you! I don’t care how people say about your bad attitude or whatever; but you are just that person I adore. But her attitude towards me really makes me suffocate, just so demoralizing. It really makes one to cry at times.

I hope she can look into my eyes. I have millions things to tell her. But who am I to her? Tengyi, you are a joke! A joke, a fool, maybe I should just wake up and take a look at the mirror at myself. Maybe I should give myself a slap.

Why must I always walk to school with grins and smiles when it is not me at all. Why?
Where’s me, the real me? I don’t even know myself at all…

Big boys do cry.

2008-03-02T22:05:00.008+08:00

there's so much things i want to do, to achieve, to fulfill, but ain't have the courage nor confidence in doing so. feels so intimidated. so not important. what's happening?

i want to fly but doubt to have such ability to do so.

i want to soar just like what the birds do.

be the light to guide your path way back home.

or even be those pesky bugs in your house.

i want to see what you are thinking, what's everybody thinking.

just be that person.

but i am just dreaming.

wake up boy, to reality.

stop being so unrealistic.

maybe are just maybe...

some things won't happen,

at all.

2008-02-28T22:07:00.001+08:00

these few days have been nothing but boring....

2008-02-25T23:23:00.001+08:00

now then i know that tengyi is so mean. actually i know long time ago, but refuse to change. i am not angry or what about all of your frankness. but really appreciate it. hope i can change. at least zipping up my mouth. but for what you all know, a leopard never change its spots. i'll try!

2008-02-20T13:38:00.003+08:00

ok. i am back from e37n chalet. like finally.

let's be frank. i did not really enjoy this chalet as compared to the previous one i have. disappointed? yes. definitely. with the attendance of this year chalet makes me wondering at times whether the plannings are worth it or not. i am not happy at all. even though this time round, it is a much bigger and better environment. but the people are getting lesser and lesser. all say try their best, will come, are all nothing but lies. but really appreciate those who really make an effort to come no matter how late it was, like arifin and suhaimi rushing down all the way. this is called true friend where they treasure the friends around and will do anything to make their presence no matter how short the time is.

at this chalet, there was not much of a bond, everybody has different approach to the chalet. some wanted to play mahjong, while me, of course, i laze around. but not my fault la! the sunburn really makes me sick on the second day. "crispy red suckling pig!" PAISEH. but overall, we seem spilt. not much of a doing things together anymore, which makes me so disappointed. i am sure most of us know how this chalet feels like, it is not the same, as compared. dats why i emo-ed, i was so disappointed and due to one more reason as well la. ahem! cause... hmmm..

anyway, no point saying all these things now. everything has come to an end. its time to focus on fyp already. not much time to waste. just hope the next e37n chalet would be much better, this will be what i will be looking for. HOPES!

2008-01-30T22:07:00.001+08:00

people come, people go.
there is time for happiness and joy, there is time for saddness.
but why cant i be just a little overboard to request for more happiness?

i just need someone beside me to comfort and care for me at times.
that three words that will brighten up your day.
doesnt it feel good to have someone there to care for you, going all the way down to support you for your matches, massaging or applying medicine on your back when you are in pain, taking care of you when you are sick, saying all those beautiful things to you?
this is the past i have and want to have, but now what do i have actually?
the past is gone and it will never come back.

it is even worse when,
you care for someone you really adore, and she turn around to say you are busybody?
how will you feel? devasated!

the love i gone through are not sweet at all, seriously.
all the girls i know are like rose,
nice to see, nice to smell, but in fact, hard to get, you will just get prickled by the thorns when you want to hold them tightly.
no matter how hard i try, nothing will come out what i want,
the fairytale ending that most people wish for...

maybe it is due to my appearance, my character, my size, etc... that cause all these.
but isnt there someone out there who doesnt mind all these,
but the present me in front of her?

do i really want all these to happen on me? its all fate i guess...

2008-01-26T21:27:00.001+08:00

she's just like a closed door, refusing me to enter, even when i try my best to enter.

2008-01-25T23:04:00.001+08:00

what a day today. pon school. was out with them since morning in school, playing basketball and soccer. all that jumpings, really make my knees go weak. but played till the late afternoon, where i rush off to amkss to help out coach with the boys training.

wah. teaching sec1 was never an easy task, imagine the pails of blood i carry out each training. it's really tiring at times, all those talkings are inevitable but sometimes it just happens that you haveto say something over and over, but they still dont get it. this is the angry part. but they left at 5pm, "early dismissal", then it was around round of playh, with the bboys. weiming and me mix with a few other bboys to play with the main team. i knew something was going to happen in the game and it really did, so luckily was i to injure my knee. luckily still ok, still can walk but rather uncomfortable.

dinnertime! eat with ms tan. "i have a craving for crabs, can we go eat?" this was what ms tan say, and in the end, 3 person eat total how much? $95.80 for two crabs, one small kailan, two rice and 10 "matou". expensive! but luckily ms tan treat, so.. haha. free dinner.

weiming and i bo liao. decided to call our favourite teacher, ms chow, on the way home. she is actually our "en ren" for pushing our f9 geography grade to b3. heng ar. she remember and what is the first word from her mouth? "of course i remember my tengyi la, you blur blur voice." thanks ah, ms chow, say i blur. but but but but. she's still my favourtie teacher. kindda miss her. 2years never see her already and heard she's already engaged. and having the wedding dinner on 21.12.08 tis yr. forced her to invite me and she agreed but a condition of $300 angbao from me. u see, u see. this kind of teacher. but most probably meeting her next wk since i have never see her for so long.

then homed. off

2008-01-24T20:21:00.000+08:00

i feel so stress, even though all UTs has ended, my mind is still stuck on something, making me unable to sleep, no mood for lesson, people catch me emo-ing. maybe i just have to understand to this fact, " i wont have a chance at all!" maybe just stop dreaming.

i told myself i will chase with my might after ivp so that i have one lesser thing to worry about. But since then, i dont have the confidence or courage to even my mouth to talk and look at. i am just so afraid to face rejection or even... it seems like a needle, i dont want to touch at all. But since breaking up with xiao yun, there's no-one to talk to, i feel so lonely, seems like evrything is trapped in my heart, feel like screaming my hearts out But looking around, there's nobody there to lend me a helping shoulder to lean on, to cry in.

i may look crazy crazy. everyday laugh laugh laugh. but in actual fact, i am just a clown wearing a mask. without my mask, i just a somebody...

maybe its time for me to wake up.

2008-01-22T20:39:00.000+08:00

Helpless When She Smiles (backstreet boys)

[AJ]
She keeps her secrets
In her eyes
She wraps the truth
Inside her lies
Just when I can't say
What she's done to me
She comes to me
And leads me back to paradise

She's so hard to hold
But I can't let go

I'm a house of cards
in a hurricane
A reckless ride
In the pouring rain
She cuts me and the pain
Is all I wanna feel
She'll dance away just like a child
She drives me crazy
Drives me wild
But I'm helpless when she smiles

[Howie]
She smiles

[Brian]
Maybe I'd fight if I could
It hurts so bad
But feels so good
She opens up just like
A rose to me
When she's close to me
Anything she'd ask me to
I would

It's out of control
But I can't let go

When she looks at me
I get so weak

This song totally describe her personality, but somehow I hope she will understand, the determination I am going through, i won't give up...

2008-01-21T13:04:00.000+08:00

This may be rather random but I think I have kept it for a long time, so thought of just saying it out.

Have been in this sport since secondary school, volleyball, it's nothing but almost my life. In these 6 years, who could have imagined the amount of sweat, the number of injuries I have gone through to establish nothing more than an average player. Sometimes it’s just so tiring and my aching knees that make me want to give up this sport. But it’s the burning passion that pushes me on.

I was just a reserve player in my secondary school life. Never was there a chance for me to be in the starting line-up or maybe I was not never be good enough to be one. But these are the days that were the enjoyable one. Even though the lack of opportunities, I enjoy the days, where I meet my good “brothers”. These are the days that I really cherish the most. In these 4 years, the challenges we went through, from just merely a 3rd in national cboys to 2nd in national bboys, everybody work hard to get the pay-off they want. The recognition we get from the school, the public, the glory is uncountable but for now they are nothing but just a past.

Coming to republic poly was never an easy ride. Arguments are uncountable since I am here, from taking the ball spiking coach to arguments with the team. But at least I have a chance to play, in the main team. I push myself to the limit, trying to win matches, but in avail. Moreover, nobody actually recognize the effort I put in and it is really so saddening.

I always ask myself whether everything was worth it but this is not the case. The team is spilt, each heading different direction, we are not glued together at all. Sometimes they don’t have the winning mindset. This is what angers me, I can’t stand losing, I don’t like to lose. But why can't they understand how I feel? Their lack of understanding for one another sometimes caused arguments. I may show tantrums on court but it’s because I want to win. From a team of winning to a team of nothing, I really have nothing left! Why can’t they understand? I am really tired; my knees are worsening day by day, thoughts of quitting pop out very moment. Only the passion for volleyball is pushing me to stay on.

However, is everything worth it?